Ministry of Truth

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A white-knuckle, deep-throated love fest!

If there’s one thing the Maori are known for, its their age-old wisdom and curly hair. Through generations of oral tradition and perseverance, the proud Maori people have endured as storytellers, innovators, and as Jango and Boba Fett in the latest George Lucas installment. David Hoopervamp knows this, and he openly admits taking this formula for success and making it his own. So with the release of “The Best Of David Hoopervamp (IMPORT)” he reinvents the wisdom-and-curly-hair thing. The end result is a sweeping epic of kapa haka proportions.

Brimming with freshness and musky skank and accompanied by a voice that sounds like eight llamas impaled on a jousters lance, these hymns of hunkiness stay with you like an extended case of mono. Hoopervamp takes off his leather boots, rubbing his moistened feet all over the compact disc, even rubbing it between his toes to soak up the funk. When we listen to this CD, it is as if we are inhaling the aroma of his sweaty, hairy callouses with all the power our lungs can muster. And who wouldn’t want that?

The song Hot Shot City is particularly good.

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The ‘Marriage of Figaro’ of our times,

Classic. No other word serves to describe such a defining moment in late 20th Century/early 21st Century musical culture. The world has become weary in a synthesised, plastic age of perfect pop and fawning, dead-eyed starlets. Therefore, people will welcome this Magnum Opus from the Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart of modern music. Not a note is wasted, not a beat out of place. The inspiring, poetic lyrics and the frankly angelic melodies combine to produce a masterpiece that we will not see again in out lifetime. Buy it. Treasure it. Listen to it again and again, and know that you were blessed by the genius that is David Hasselhoff. There are angels throwing themselves from clouds because they can’t sing like this man, and God himself surely feels a little pride at his greatest creation. You will weep tears of pure joy. I guarantee it.

‘Hot Shot City’ is particularly good.